Talking to Children

about Death

Good Grief: What Is It?

The following is based on material prepared by child bereavement expert, Maria Trozzi, M.Ed., for parents, relatives and other adults who have an opportunity to help bereaved children and adolescents. According to Ms. Trozzi, when a death occurs, adults can play an important role. No matter the circumstances of the death, it challenges the coping skills of youngsters.  Early attention to their needs makes it possible to keep them psychologically healthy and prevents the development of future emotional problems. This information should help you raise young people who are able to deal with loss in a healthy way – a way that will make their grief     “Good Grief.”

 

The Four Tasks of Mourning

*As described in 1985 by the late Dr. Sandra Fox, founder of the Good Grief Program Model.

In order for grief to be “good grief,” bereaved children and adolescents must accomplish four psychological tasks. Young children who develop coping skills that help them with these tasks will be well-prepared for losses that occur throughout their life. The four tasks are:

Understanding Grieving Commemorating Going on

Understanding

To understand, a person must be able to make sense of death in general and of a particular death. It’s best to provide an honest explanation that can be developed as the child grows and matures. Children’s questions will usually indicate the amount and level of information they want to know.

Three predictable factors interfere with young people’s ability to accomplish the task of understanding.

1. Defining Death for Children

The best and most basic way to explain death is to simply say, “The body stops working.” This definition fits what children observe when they see a dead animal. The bird can no longer fly or sing. In the same way, Grandpa can no longer drive his car, breathe, talk or go fishing. Young people have a literal, concrete style of thinking, so avoid comparing death with sleeping, expiring, kicking the bucket, pushing up the daisies, or other euphemisms that will confuse them.

2. Development of Children’s Understanding of Death and Dying

Young people’s understanding of death and dying changes as they grow and mature. Age parameters vary, but most pass through a sequence of developmental stages. There are several reference materials available from your funeral director, local library or Internet that can provide the details on each stage.

3. Magical Thinking

Children believe they have the power to make things happen in the world. They often believe death is the result of something they did or didn’t do, think, or say. For example, if they say, “drop dead” to a person who later dies, they are sure they caused the death.

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