Normal grief includes both sadness and anger. A young person’s specifi c style of grieving will depend on such things as their age, relationship to the person who died and suddenness of the death. Each will grieve in his/her own way and at his/her own time if we make that possible. We must be careful not to convey there is only one “right way.” Normal acute grief for adults can take two to three years. This is when they fi nally feel that while the world will not be the same, they can still go on. For children, grieving lasts longer. Although they grieve in short spurts, most will still be actively grieving through adolescence.

When a friend or family member dies, youngsters must find some way to formally or informally remember the person. Such activity confirms the reality of the death and the value of life. It is important that young people be included in the planning for formal (a wake, funeral, etc.) or informal (share a momento, launch balloons, etc.) commemoration activities/events.

When children and adolescents have accomplished the tasks of understanding, grieving and commemorating, they often need specific permission – spoken out loud – to “go on.” Going on needs to be differentiated from “forgetting” and from criticism that can seem to be implied in such a description. When a youngster seems unable to “go on,” it is useful to review the tasks in reverse order. If one can determine where a child is “stuck,” it is often possible to help youngsters move forward with their grief, so it can be good grief.